not to be confused with The Mine Shaft of Winnemucca, Nevada
GROSS WARNING!
submitted by “Freddy”
In the summer of 1973, I worked in Rolla, Missouri. A friend of mine told me one of his friends from out of state was coming in for a visit. He asked me and a couple of others if we would hang with this guy until he got off work. “No prob,” so we rendezvoused at “The Mine Shaft” - a dim and dank dive located in the cellar of an electronics store on Pine Street in downtown Rolla.
I loved this place. On Friday and Saturday nights all my friends were there, and I new just about everyone. We had some great times. The place was only licensed to serve beer. They sold draft beer and red beer, pretzels, pickled eggs, pickled hooves and pickled pickles. The entrance was a doorway off to the side of the store that opened up into a long and narrow staircase leading to the basement. The place would only hold about fifty people, but I think on Fri and Sat nights they would jam the place with about a hundred. I remember two large Bose speakers that absolutely rocked the joint! They had a cheap dart board with cheap plastic darts and I never remember a real game being played. However, the foosball table ‘most always had an intense game going.
Anyway, the “friend” shows up and four of us sat on bar stools that surrounded a small round elevated table. It was a hot summer day and we downed the first pitcher fairly quickly. It was a mid-afternoon Saturday and man, I’m tellin’ ya, after that second pitcher we all melted in our seats a little. The “friend” seemed like a cool guy and he fit right in. The a/c was perfect, the “draws” were perfect and the tunes were perfect. Wow, I added a little salt to the foam of my beer and life was good.
The “friend” (I don’t remember his name) was the first to get up and use the facilities. “The first seal to be broken,” someone said. He proceeded up a rickety staircase along the back wall that went to the restroom, and only the restroom. No, let’s call it the pisshole. That’s way more accurate and descriptive, especially for this place and this story! Anyway, it was a very strange set-up.
Our new-found buddy was gone a few minutes and when he returned he had a story to tell, but he was hesitant. He had to tell it, though. He was aware that this was a risky subject to bring up with guys you just met a couple beers ago, BUT he couldn’t hold it back! He just didn’t care! So, here it comes…he says, “guys I know this is kinda gross, but I’m tellin’ ya right now, I ain’t never in my life seen such a huge turd. It’s the biggest turd I’ve ever seen and it’s right in that toilet up there! It was so big I didn’t even want to pee on it, so I tried to flush it several times! Finally, I peed on it and then flushed several more times and it still didn’t phase it. You guys just gotta see this thing!”
The three of us looked at each other and smiled and nodded. “yea, yea…okay’” The subject was abruptly changed and he just sat there and shut up knowing full well that it was just a matter of time before the next “seal would be broken.” We were all thinking this guy is one sick puppy. Damn! Anyway, enough minutes went by that I forgot about this guy’s sick discovery, and I clomped up the rickety staircase to relieve myself. I walked into the pisser and there it was!!! MOTHER HAVE MERCY! That was truly the biggest log I had ever seen… even to this day!!! It was Gi-normous…I peed on it…I flushed several times…I measured…This was an old toilet, 30 years old with a huge bowl…the “duty” was so big it disappeared out of sight into the gooseneck of the porcelain monster.
This commode was not a “1 GPF…GREEN MACHINE” of the new millennium. This throne was made in the forties…the reservoir probably held ten gallons of water…when you flushed it you had better be wearing your slicker and ear protection! I’m tellin’ ya right now! This turd extended out of the water at least six inches! I bet he had to lift off a few inches for a clean disconnect. From the rim of the toilet down to the lowest point was easily sixteen inches and who knows what extended into the abyss?” I know what you’re thinking… the guy obviously had a tight sphincter and he pooted a pencil diametered doobie. Wrong again! This mother was not even your inch-and-a-half O.D. normal healthy lifestyle movement. It was a THREE INCH O.D. GODZILLA BLOW-OUT! That thing would have put the average man in the hospital.
I went back down stairs and jumped up and down while spouting out gruesome descriptions. The “friend” shot about five “I told-ya-so’s” at me and the other two were about to look for another table when… there he was…this four hundred pound, monster bouncer dude! He walks by…and I look at the “friend” and he looks at me, and we both knew who hath given birth to that serpent in the pot. Enough said, we grabbed our beers and tried to put it out of our minds. And then, of coarse, number three had to go number one, and it started all over again…
Submitted by Freddy
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